Today is one of the tough days. Today I have been irritable, snappy, frustrated and angry. I've been tired, lethargic and my appetite has gone. I have just wanted to lie down, sleep and never wake up. Today the sea has been choppy and I have struggled to keep afloat. Yet by the Grace of God I have kept afloat. Days like today are some of the harder and more deceptive ones. I feel "normal" but just on the negative side so don't try to focus or handle the symptoms or illness. So in order to help myself today I would like to explain the imagery I use to understand and convey my experiences. Very early on in my diagnosis I discovered that the imagery best used was water based. Some people have the image of a dam and reservoir, with it bursting and all flooding forth. Some have rain and flash floods as their imagery for it. Mine is sea and coastal based.
On my good days the sea is calm, serene and the sun is shining through. There is life in the waters and I can enjoy the day and all it has to offer. I feel that I can do anything and I am moderately focused, making progress in my life and I'm actually enjoying me.
Then there are the "meh" days; days where I am just plodding along. Surviving. The seas at this time aren't choppy but they aren't settled. The skies are overcast and I can't see beyond the clouds. Days like that I barely tolerate myself. I have no worth or value but I am not negative towards myself. Sadly all it takes then is for a little trigger and then I spiral. This is when I slip into the really choppy days. The sky thunders, darkness descends, the boat sinks and I am surrounded and crushed by the waters. That's the mindset I am stuck in and it all stems from the days when I just cannot look beyond the clouds.
Sadly I have been brought up with a very unhealthy attitude towards myself and the main part of my treatment is to change my attitude towards and how I approach myself. One of the big things that I am having to learn to do that I am finding hard but really good when it works is to look beyond the clouds. When I reach the days where the clouds are gathering, all those negative thoughts and anxieties, I need to look up to God and see the light shining through. Look away from the self hatred, negative self imagery and the belief that people "tolerate" or "put up" with me and instead look towards the light. The fact that I am loved, I am treasured and I am accepted as I am. The other day we were in worship and suddenly a line stood out amongst the lyrics that challenged how I approached myself. "Take me as I am, I can come no other way". As I approach the heavenly throne room and as I approach friends, family and strangers I can only approach them as myself. It is down to them how I am received and I am accepted. Yet I am blessed in the knowledge that as I approach God He loves me just unconditionally, wholly and infinitely. I just need to move that knowledge to my heart, and look beyond the clouds.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LO36F--Vn1g
In the Jewish culture bread and wine are used to represent the necessary provision and blessing of the Jewish people by God. This Blog is here to enable me to process thoughts and musings over the basic provisions for man that God provides. Some days may all be about God, faith, Church etc. and some days may be all about human interactions and understanding of life and some days it may be neither and completely random gobble-de-gook. I hope you enjoy perusing through my musings and cogitations.
