Why did you make me wrong?

So far with this journey of reflection and self learning lots of surprises and emotions have risen to the surface but there is one thing that arose a couple of years ago that really shows the root and depths of my problems. About a year ago I went to a Diocesan Development Day where we had an opportunity to go to some workshops and engage with the topic put forward. One of the workshops was "sexuality". Straight away everyone from my group laughed and we all knew that was the one for me. I went into the workshop expecting to be spoken to about the wide ranges of opinions, theologies, bible verses and history of sexuality. Instead we were taken on a meditation about us and God.
The lady in charge got us all to sit down and we held onto little yellow stretchy men. We held them and used them as the centre of our meditation. We were encouraged to think about ourselves, all our attractions, hurts, dislikes and personality traits. We were then led into a space in our meditation where we took ourselves before God. God who knows us all, inside and out. Best parts and worst parts and loves us and cares for us. God our Father. In my mind I stood naked before God in a throne room. It was cold and barren but not uncomfortably so.
We were then guided into a place where we presented ourselves as who we are before God. Then we were invited to think 'if you could ask God any question what would it be?' I prepared myself to mull it over and consider the questions. Bracing to think "why does bad happen?" "when will I get ordained?" "where do you want me to go next?" "how does the church unite?" instead I burst into silent tears as one question, a hidden question that had been living in me for so many years, came charging forth:

"Why did you make me wrong?".........

Choices, choices, choices......

What makes something a choice? What is choice and what is predisposed? The other day I had a long and somewhat fruitless conversation with a friend regarding predisposition and free will. This was discussed from both the psychological view of it and the theological view of it. Now I say fruitless conversation because there were no measurable or engaging conclusions. There was no discernable information gleaned that would affect us or anyone in the world.
However it did get the mind juices flowing and allow me to reflect on myself a bit more. It appears that God in His infinite wisdom has formed me with several characteristics, predispositions or conditions that are discussed and argued in society as choices or not. The two big ones are sexuality and depression. Weirdly enough I did not choose to be gay, nor did I choose to have depression. Yet there does appear to be a persistent mind set that it is a choice. So when people engage with me with the mind set that these are a choice the conversation doesn't move very easily due to the assumptions that are present. "so when did you choose to be gay?" "can't you just fancy women instead?" "why don't you just cheer up?" "why don't you choose to think happy things and notice the good things instead?". Trust me if I could, I would.
Beyond this there is still choice within all of this. We all have the choice to follow our predispositions or not. However it is incredibly tiring, difficult and sometimes damaging to go against these. For me to deny my sexuality and my feminine tendencies is a major trigger for my depression. I can still choose whether or not to chase after guys, but I can't choose to be attracted to them or the things that come with the territory. With my depression I cant choose when or how strongly my mood will alter or my anxieties will be. But I can choose the activities I do and the people who I surround myself with. So please acknowledge that there is a lot of me that is not a choice so don't assume that it is when we start those conversations. However also please acknowledge that it is a choice that I include you in my conversations and in my life so respect that. I may not have a choice about my sexuality and my depression but you have a choice as to whether or not you're a dick. Please choose wisely.

You just don't get it......

I wish I had a physical illness or condition instead of depression sometimes. I wish I had something that people could see, touch and perceive. I wish that my weaknesses and struggles were bare and visible for all to see. But they are not.

For me depression can sometimes be a cage. Due to its very nature it is self defeating. There are days when I am restricted, limited, lesser abled because of my illness. Those days are so hard because nobody can see my restrictions or limitations. Nor can I tell people about them. The very thought of telling people terrifies me. My mind is telling me "if you tell them you will be annoying them, you're just whinging", "you're pathetic enough as it is, don't give them any more reasons to believe that", "come on, you don't think they're actually going to care about what you're feeling or you at all", "they just don't care". All this noise stops me from being able to tell people that I can't go where they are going, or do what they are doing, so I sink deeper and deeper. That's usually when the questions start. "why can't you just come out?", "you could do it the other day why not today?" "but you're so good with people usually why not now?" "can't you just cheer up?".

All I want to scream is "You just don't get it". It is so hard to explain depression face to face and in words. You can't put feelings; fear, anxiety, anger, frustration, loneliness and relief into words or pictures. There is no word to describe the heart racing, sweating, time slowing, visually interrupting, mind fudging experience of fear. Or the brain fogging, neck tingling, blood chilling, hair pulling experience of anxiety. Or the heart tearing, soul chilling, heart in throat experience of loneliness. Depression is not visual. It is not measurable or tactile. There is no malleability to it, no shared experience or visible expression. I am not asking people to experience this to sympathise. All I ask for is grace and patience. So when I say I can't go somewhere or do something, please please believe me. It may nor be evident to you, the threats, the limitations, the restrictions may not be clear to you but please trust me in this; they are very very very clear to me. So don't be upset when I say "You just dont get it" because I pray you never do.