Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me?

Why, my soul, are you downcast?

    Why so disturbed within me?

At 6.30 this morning I was awake. By 8.00 I was out at Lady Bower taking photos, listening to music, crying and trying to bury the urge to run away, to keep driving until I was as far away from Sheffield as possible. There was only one factor that prevented me from doing this: I had left my wallet at home and only had a quarter of a tank of petrol. I had cooking responsibilities at Church, I had a wife at home, I had an essay to write and I had washing to do at home. Surprisingly (or not for some of them) these did not impact my decision to actually turn back to Sheffield.

The night before I had been celebrating the wedding of two lovely friends. I had partied with some of my nearest and dearest. I had laughed, danced, cried tears of joy and sung and then danced some more. Yet when I looked into myself all I could hear was:

Why, my soul, are you downcast?

    Why so disturbed within me?

Recently I lost someone who was a rock to me. Even as I write this I feel selfish and I'm berating myself. He was a father, friend, husband, priest, grandfather, confidante and so much more to so many people. To me, he was my rabbi. I have no other name that can so aptly fit his role in my life. I am the man I am today because of him. I sat at his feet, learned, healed, rejoiced, wept, laughed and prayed. His life was nothing but a blessing to me and now his hand has left mine. In that moment of learning of his passing, the sense of isolation crept in. I have struggled to articulate and express the significance of this event. I am scared of appropriating others mourning, I am terrified of revealing my wounds to others. I am hurt and my tank is nearly empty. I am thirsty, my mourning has been my only spirituality for the last few weeks. I have felt alone, even when surrounded by people. Part of the way in which this also manifests in me is a deep aching in my bones, usually around my wrists, hands and chest. 

More recently I have been critiqued (fairly) on my resilience by several people. My (poor) interpretation of this has led me to try and bottle up my emotions or try and keep people at arm's length. I wear my heart on my face, never mind my sleeve, so this has been a painful experience, especially as I have gone through this time of mourning. I have also come to realise that God calls us to specific times and specific places for a purpose. I have seen these last few weeks as confirmation of where God has called me to and the people He has called me to support. 

However, this has not been helpful. I have closed off, kept people at a distance, managed my emotional responses and my interactions and looked at where I have been placed by God, to be a support for other. I completely missed the people who have needed me to be open. I have missed the people who have been maneuvred into place for me as I struggle and cry and mourn. I have missed my friends, family and community. If only I would listen to my own sermons! 

So with great reluctance, I got back in my car and turned back to Sheffield. I turned up to Church, smiled, cooked and talked. I also cried but hid it. I also mourned but shielded it. I then had the words echo inside me again:

Why, my soul, are you downcast?

    Why so disturbed within me?

So I picked up a Bible and looked for them, and found Psalm 42.

1 As the deer pants for streams of water,
    so my soul pants for you, my God.
2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
    When can I go and meet with God?
3 My tears have been my food
    day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”
4 These things I remember
    as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
    under the protection of the Mighty One[d]
with shouts of joy and praise
    among the festive throng.

5 Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

6 My soul is downcast within me;
    therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
    the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
7 Deep calls to deep
    in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
    have swept over me.

8 By day the Lord directs his love,
    at night his song is with me—
    a prayer to the God of my life.

9 I say to God my Rock,
    “Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
    oppressed by the enemy?”
10 My bones suffer mortal agony
    as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”

11 Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

The words Deep calls to Deep stood out to me. I realised that I had not only just closed myself from others, I had closed myself to God. My prayer life had become a presentation of requests, an arm's length devotion of the God I was supposed to see Him as. I left Church after my responsibilities, to retreat to my house to lick my wounds and mourn again in silence. A close friend messaged me to see how I was doing, as they realised I was missing after the service, and I was honest. This allowed them to step in, along with two other people and just be available. That was enough to break down this ridiculous wall I had built up against others and against God. That moment of being open and vulnerable, not explicitly but in just revealing my hurt, I found healing. I have now looked back and seen the key people who have been maneuvred into place in my life. The places where I can be vulnerable, and in that vulnerability find healing.

I am still hurt. I am still mourning. I am struggling, but I am now more honest with myself, others and most importantly, God. I have struggled as I have watched others, even those closest to my rabbi, move into a space that contained peace, praise, hope and joy. I have been jealous and desperately wanted to experience that, whilst also missing the key part of letting God and others bless me with that. So through this task of writing this blog, I have been reflecting on those times that God and His people have been seeking to bless me with peace, praise, hope and joy. I am now in a space where retrospectively I can accept that. So today has been a turning point. I am not there yet, but now, when I hear myself say

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?

I can respond with

Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

Dear Remain Campaign...

Dear Remain Campaign and Voters,


Today we woke up to a result we did not hope for or expect. We have been gathering together for the last few months to discuss the image of Britain as part of the EU. We have laughed, we have argued, we have talked truths and we have also shared lies. We have sought out justice and unity. We have campaigned for what we believe to be a better and brighter future. We have spoken. We have been heard. We have been left despondent and hurt.


We must not give in. The values that we have and have formed the foundations of our decision to vote Remain are on the whole, full of integrity and honour. We believe in Unity. We believe in Freedom. We believe in working together and fighting for each others rights and privileges. That does not end today. If anything we can draw strength from our Unity during this campaign. Today a battle may have been lost but we have a long fight ahead of us. We have an opportunity here, to have an impact on the future of Britain together. We can still fight for unity, tolerance, inclusion and generosity. It is our duty to stand up and help form this "independent" Britain.


So let us not fall into a pit of despair, or be riled by jeering and celebrations. We shall mourn a while, whilst we say goodbye to friends and unions we did not want to say goodbye to. We shall stand with heavy hearts and shoulders whilst we turn away from a group that we have loved for a while. We shall then turn back to them, with hope and joy. We can extend to our neighbours love, tolerance and friendship. We have the opportunity to still talk, walk and eat together. We have the opportunity to still be a world wide community. So let us rest a while and then stand back up, ready to fight for these values, ready to combat injustice, exclusion and hatred wherever we may meet it. Let us stand in the hope that has been set before us.


Ed out.

The Image of Chaos and Peace

Today definitely deserves a splurge. My goodness it has been absolutely knackering. Somehow, despite waking up all positive and sticking on my music on the way to work (apparently I've picked up my woman power taste in music, go figure) and starting out happy and excitable with my colleagues, today has just decided to try and smush me over. Well in the words of Bianca Del Rio:

So to kick start it, I got invited to join a lovely social group thing on Facebook. "That sounds lovely and positive and nice and fun" I hear you say. Silently..... to your screen. And yes you are correct in thinking that, but it completely threw me out of gear. It has been set up for and predominantly consists of Christ Church Fulwood (CCF) people. So my mind immediately jumps to "why?". Why me? Why them? Immediate assumption was that I was added by accident as the person who set it up clicked through their friends. Nope couldn't be that.

Second reaction is that this is an incredibly elaborate and well coordinated prank to make me look like a fool. I know it's a ridiculous thought but my mind went there. It was a genuine feeling and thought. So that was quickly ruled out and I settled to that they added me because they wanted me to be added.

So I spend the next two to three hours trying to figure out why they could possibly want me to be part of this group. All that I can remember is really being at odds with this group and barely ever feeling welcomed so why all of a sudden would I be "in". Here enters my brains ability to recall every embarrassing, frustrating and awkward memory from my time at CCF. God forbid if I try to remember where I put my keys, somebody's name or when the next PCC meeting is. I can't do that, but I can remember all those awkward memories at the drop of a hat. I think that should be added to my CV, I'll just be two seconds.

Right it's added, right between "can't breathe through left nostril" and "has a distaste for hard foods and loves mixing hot custard with cold ice cream". I think I will patent that final idea actually. So as I was saying, I finally moved past awkward, embarrassing, frustrating memories and moved into a position of acceptance that I was in the group and soon enough people will be  coordinating and organising lovely socials and spending time together. But where do I fit in this? This is where I will use some images to try and explain how my head felt.

This here is a very good representation of my train of thought. I ended up pursuing about twenty different conclusions at the same time. Image and conclusions flying through my head: awkward stuttered conversations, being singled out, sitting by myself, doing something ridiculously embarrassing and bursting into tears, offending someone by accident, snapping at someone because I'm tired or exhausted.

Another good image to compare it with is when spaceships go spiraling off when there engines fail or they get hit. You know the moment it gets hit and the comical and the triumphant moment for the good guys as it goes flying off at x amount of mph into the abyss of nothingness? Yeah that was my train of thought!

This image is a really good reflection of the rest of my brain. Today I had the joy of trying to work with new schemes of work and providing resources for them. This was whilst being informed that I'm too incapable to flick a fuse switch back on by one member of staff and that I have absolutely no right to work independently on the jobs that I have been set by another member of staff! I digress.....

As I struggle to try and recall the names of transition metals, how they work and which practicals work best to display their properties to Y9 students, my main processing power seems to be plugged into "What would you do if you were stood in a room of all these people at CCF and you were completely alone? Remember that feeling, now imagine that one person comes up to you and tries to make a conversation but you completely Jeff it up! Look here is a disappointed face to bring it to life......"

Once again I defer to Bianca del Rio for my response.....to me. FFS!

Look Bianca puts a smile on my face. Eddie Izzard is my hero and RuPaul's Drag Race is my favourite series. Drag queen and female impersonators inspire me. It's probably where my influence to become vicar comes from. You are required by Canon Law to cross-dress every Sunday and each time you lead a formal service! And get paid to do it!

So yes, today has completely frazzled me and I feel like all my neuron pathways (or thought motorways as I like to call them) have been overused and burnt out. This is nothing new to me and I can solidly predict that tonight I am going to sleep like a log. This overthinking business is tiring! There are two final images I would like to finish with.

I like this one for two reasons. Firstly it beautifully depicts how I feel sometimes when my mind is in chaos. My mind never seems to stop, even when I try to rest, which leaves me feeling stupidly jealous of people who don't seem to have this problem. I just want to reach inside my head and rip out my thoughts and cogitations so that I could just stop. I can breathe. Just relax and enjoy the silence. However brief it be. 

The second reason I will leave you to figure out. It shouldn't be too hard (ooer) to figure out. XD

 I do want to note quickly that yes it can be the simplest things that don't seem obvious, nay even contradictory to ones personality, that can lead a person into a place of great distress or worry. I know that I am social. I know that I love people. I can bring to mind hundreds of examples to prove so. I love meeting people. I know that everything will be OK if I go along to these social soirees and gatherings. Yet I have just had chaos today because......

Well I'm not too sure but that simple act of adding me to that group threw me into a major wobbly today so please remember when dealing with people who have mental health issues that it may not make sense and it may not be obvious, rational, sensible or even reasonable but the simplest thing can throw us out. Most of the time we don't know why the hell it has but all we know is that it simply has. If we could make it stop we would love to but we can't so please in these moments hold us gently. Love us and reassure us. And please, please, please be patient. We're not particularly tolerant of ourselves so you have to be our patience for a time. It may be inconvenient to you but just remember how inconvenient it is to us. Hint: it's bloody inconvenient!

The final image to use is the one that is the cover for my Blog. There is one little reprieve that I occasionally get it. In my life when the simplest thing, such as adding me to a social group on Facebook (despite knowing that I am incredibly social and I love people and meeting them), can throw me into a nervous and anxious wobbly there is a quiet joy to be found in the moments where peace is found. It doesn't happen every time but it is two distinct activities that this Peace has always been in: the Breaking of Bread and Prayer. Never when I set up this Blog did I expect a) to have these mental health (or there within lack of) issues or b) that this picture would mean so much to me. It reminds me that in the madness and chaos there is a light, a brief reprise. A perfect, present peace.

In other news: (I might make this a thing!) I sat on the toilet at church and the seat broke under me. Thanks! I've finally managed to actually gain weight for the first time in my life (I've been stuck at 8st since the age of 14) and the world tells me "ooh you're getting big!". Hahahaha, it's bought a smile to a great many people.

Blessings,

Ed out.

Feeling Bloggy, but in the good way!

Apparently I have missed several months of blogging again. It's been a very busy few months and I'm not going to get upset with myself for having not blogged. It's just something that has happened. However I have just felt an urge to blog again. I know what has triggered it but in this  post I think I want to talk about three different things that have triggered it.

Firstly I would like to talk about the main reason I feel the urge to go back to blogging. It is currently a year ago that I started my application process to join the Army Reserves. This has bought up a couple of emotions within me that have been tugging me around a bit. However I would like to note that at no point in time have I felt that i made the wrong choice or that I would like to go back on the decision I made. That is a massive step for me. I would like to acknowledge that the main emotions are disappointment and frustration. I am disappointed that I had to withdraw from the Army Reserves as I had huge potential in my capacity within 4 Yorks,I felt at home incredibly quickly within 4 Yorks and I truly saw it as an honourable role that I was fulfilling. I feel frustrated because I perceived it as a step into another career, that I found fulfilling and enjoyable. Yet I would like to reiterate that at no point have I come to the conclusion that I made the wrong choice nor would I feel the need to reverse that decision. Also the experience and growth that came out of those very few weeks that I was there are invaluable.

The second point is something that comes out of the first but also applies across my general life. I have been rather inwardly depreciating due to the fact that I had to resign the Army Reserves. I am not being upset with myself but I am certain, in my mind, that people have dismissed my Army Reserves experience as me running after something and then giving up again. I know myself enough that I come across as fickle, irregular and maybe even capricious. However I also know myself well enough that I am just incredibly passionate and excitable and there is a lot of things in this world that I care a lot about. In my mind I just feel that people are dismissing me and my passions because of how erratic I can be so people just laugh at me and my actions/ decisions. This is something that spreads across my entire life. I am incredibly overly analytical, to the point where I will analyse conversations, texts, actions or there within lack of (of all the aforementioned items!) that people do (or nor do). This can completely cripple my reciprocated actions, conversations and relationships. I just have an amazing gift of mind reading apparently(!).

Which leads to my third and final point: to a certain extent I don't look or act like a person who has anxiety or depression. That is because it is people based, or technically it is the absence of people that triggers. I am incredibly tactile and emotional (which I hope should be evident enough throughout all these blogs, if not here it is written out) so when people don't nourish or activate that part of me I end up obsessing over possible reasons as to why they don't, or more technically don't want to. This is why very few people know or see my depression and anxiety, it's because I don't want people to see or know it. I know that seems incredulous due to the fact that I am blogging on the World Wide Web about this, but that is because here is where I can put out there what I am feeling and experiencing without fear of immediate repercussions or reprisals. It lowers the whole anxiety wrapped around talking about this.

The main reason I don't talk to people about it or let people know is pure and simple: I am terrified of people verifying my irrational and illogical conclusions. I am so terrified of it that I wouldn't even risk people verifying it. Fortunately the part of my brain that IS rational and knows better has the upper hand a lot of the time at the moment so I can face these thoughts and tackle them head on.

So that is why I have returned to blogging. I can see that most of my rise in anxiety and low mood has been triggered by these reminders of the Army Reserves but this has helped me spread it out before me and identify how to combat this more efficiently. I just need to face the thoughts at the start and acknowledge they have no power over my decisions or my life. Face them and speak the truth to them.

Much better. :)

In other news: I have a bit of a secret. Once again ridiculous because this is on the Internet, but very few people visit and I haven't publicized this to my friends (that I'm aware of!). Ah well. Anyway; I am planning to take up pole dancing in the New Year. I was inspired when I took my brother and his girlfriend to visit a potential University. We went into the social area and there was the University's pole dancing team. There were men doing it and they were really good at it. So i thought "hey I would love to do that" and I have thought about it and considered it for a couple of months. I still want to do it. Not for sexy-ness or to strip or anything, but to dance to music in a beautiful mixture of masculinity and femininity, build up fitness and to just have some fun doing something different. I haven't told anyone but Liz my intentions mainly because of point two. I have decided to keep things in my mind and on paper until I have made quite a few active steps towards achieving these before telling people of my intentions or actions. I can't risk looking like a spanner in front of people and having another "erratic" or "variable" activity or intention again. However there is also a second reason and it is scientifically based. When we tell people of our intentions to do something positive and receive praise our brain releases the same chemical that we receive when we complete a positive activity and receive praise. So technically what happens is we stump ourselves and, admittedly inadvertently, dupe our brain into thinking that we have completed that positive task at hand. This negatively reinforces our brain to now want to actually do the activity. Why should we do it? We have already received praise for it? So there is a bit of Science for you. Hope you find it useful.

And now my secret is yours too. 

Until next time.....

Anatomy of Survival

Over the last few weeks I have been through a good number of highs and lows. Admittedly I feel like I've been dragged through them backwards but nonetheless I have learnt a lot from them. I am never very good at holidays as I seem to lose structure and can easily end up just sitting down and overthinking things. Something I am incredibly prone to anyway. After a some raised anxieties and a lot of worry I decided almost last minute to cancel going away with Christ Church Fulwood to help out on their Youth Houseparty. I was supposed to be helping out in the kitchen, catering for 160 youth, for the week. I suddenly realised that with my anxieties being so high, going off with people who had caused me quite a lot of pain and hurt, wasn't the wisest things. I decided to chat to my mum about it after I had informed them that I couldn't make it.

Mum was understanding. I can't stand it when that happens. I was hoping that she would get really angry and have a go at me about, hence reinforcing my stance and my decision. Instead her understanding allowed me to evaluate where I was in myself and discern whether or not I would benefit from going or not. The tipping factor was when a friend of mine expressed a sense of upset at the fact I wouldn't be able to make it. So I decided to go, and it was the right choice. i only stayed for three days and despite only having about 4-5 hours restless sleep each night it did a lot of good for me. I learnt a lot about tolerating people and respecting people stories and viewpoints. I learnt to hold my tongue when it was necessary but also that there are times to say the unspoken. Despite disagreeing on some key areas with people who were there I found myself still eager to love and cherish them. I found myself eager to be in Communion with them and the thought of not being quite upsetting.
Mixed into all this I spent my spare time reading Anatomy of survival by Una Kroll. Una Kroll is a priest in the Anglican Church who was formerly a nun who left her order to marry her husband, who was formerly a monk that left his order to marry her. She has outlived him by many years and has survived many friends deaths. When she was younger her mother tried to kill her and herself to relieve themselves of the misery of poverty. She grew up to do medicine in many areas and as already mentioned be a nun and priest. She spoke about all the different ways people go on to survive, whether it be from tragic accidents, familial deaths, break up of relationships, abandonment from friends or even loss of job or belongings. It was during this book that it struck me that I am a survivor. In a relatively short amount of time I have lost my grandparents, lost my friends from school, lost my two (apparently) closest friends and lost someone who was painfully close to me. This has all fed into my depression, low moods and anxieties. yet oddly enough reading this whilst away with people who had hurt me opened my eyes to the fact that these people have been a constant part of my story. They have still walked with me and I with them. These people, despite pushing me to life's edge, have actually been a part of the anatomy of my survival. God has a wicked sense of humour.
As I carried on through the book I learnt how similar (honestly I know, I struggle to believe it too) Una Kroll. She is a polymath who people look at and ask "how do you cope and function? How do you even think you can do all these different roles/jobs at the same time?" She has the same anxieties and worries as me. She managed to word some of my deepest fears and explain why they happen. On my journey home from Houseparty a song came on that just crystallised the whole thing. Karine Polwart has a wonderful little song called Daisy that is "a gentle word to the wise to one of life’s givers and truth-tellers who can’t quite comprehend that “there are people in this world who don’t think like you do”" http://www.karinepolwart.com/about/

This song perfectly plucked out my feelings and approaches to people and actually that there is nothing wrong with it. I am a naturally trusting person, who doesn't quite comprehend when people aren't like that or respect people who are like that. I am a person who only speaks things I believe to be true and can't screw people over. I do trust what people say and take what they say and trust in it. In all this people have and do take advantage of me and my nature, but that isn't a fault with me or my personality. It is with them. Whilst I was away with Fulwood one of my friends text me saying "I don't get why you put up with them and do their cooking!!". I do it because it is the right thing to do and otherwise it is the wrong things in life getting the better of my nature. In the words of Una Kroll "By the grace of God I have not developed a thick skin". Amen.

Taking Control and Letting Go

On the first Thursday of the Summer Holidays I had my final CBT session. I was quite nervous as I approached it as I thought that I would just collapse afterwards, or I wouldn't have that crutch in place for when I needed it. I was quite apprehensive about letting my Therapist let me go and I was hoping deep down that she would find a excuse or reason for me to carry on the sessions. However by the end of the session everything just somehow managed to click into place. All the way through the five previous sessions I had a conflict inside myself. I think I had approached the therapy as if I was trying to change my substantially; change the things that make me me. The therapy was trying to move me from irrational to rational behaviour, away from opinion and towards fact, moving my attention from past and future and towards the present. For me this seemed contentious and I had an image of my self being transformed into somebody that wasn't me. I didn't want to change as I had only just started to see many of my personal traits as positives.

I expressed my concern to my therapist and she asked me what kind of traits was I referring to. I felt that my passion, my thin skin, my passion, my emotional vulnerability and the fact I wear my heart on my sleeve all as positive things. I explained that I perceived these "new" ways of thinking (treating thoughts as mental events, having them based on fact rather than opinion, let go and focusing on the present) all seemed to conflict with my core personality traits. I expressed that I felt that they were trying to make me like an automaton and sterile. She paused and took time to consider how to word her next sentence. She then spoke the most sense I have experienced in a long time. 

That's when it all clicked. She explained that my emotions and feelings and thoughts are mine for me to control not the other way round. All my positive traits, that enable me to be a positive role model, effective youth worker and a valued person in my community, friendships, and families, are for me to control. They are not to be taking control of me and my mood. This allows all those areas in which I am effective to be even more effective. Instead of being completely totaled by an event or conversation that is emotional or difficult, I can actually take control of my observations, feelings, and responses. 

We then went on to have another hour and twenty minutes discussing family, life, holidays and anything else. Quite astounding considering it was a half hour session, but I will expand on that in another post. However there was one other part of the therapy that I had an issue with but managed to contemplate/ meditate on for a while and came to an agreeable conclusion. Part of the therapy was to practice moving my attention away from the past and the future and towards the present. I have a tendency to over think, over plan and worry about both the past and the future. I always felt this was a correct way to behave and it even seemed theologically sound. If I could plan and take control of the future I can shape it into something that is pleasing and acceptable to God. If I focused in on the past I could atone for all my mistakes and correct all the wrongs I have made. Internally I was struggling with this change of mindset towards being present focused but I started practicing it. Listening to the sounds of the cars going by, feeling the breeze on my face or the backs of books. I would concentrate on the smells of cooking or burning brake pads. I would hone in on the taste of the air or the colours in the night sky. Suddenly a verse came to my mind:

Matthew 6:31-34

31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I realised that in my worrying about the past and future I was denying the gift that was given to me; the gift of today and all that it brings. I can now honestly, happily and theologically(?) say that I am doing my best to live for today. 

Oasis in the desert

There are a number of people in my life, who sadly I will probably never meet, who have made a massive impact on my life. They have spoken into my life, or given me an image or produced some form of art/ media that has helped me to put things into perspective and move forward. Eddie Izzard and Natalie Merchant are two people who have made a major positive influence on my life. They are gifts that just keep on giving. Eddie Izzard has helped me to laugh and cry and just enjoy life when necessary. Natalie Merchant helps to give me the words and the emotions she conveys in her music. Despite listening to Natalie Merchant for many years a song has suddenly leapt out at me. I had never heard it before until this last week. During this time I have taken up rehearsing for a play and that has been like an oasis in the desert for me. This song truly has just been the cherry on top, it has just finished and rounded off this experience so well. It truly has been a God song. I will let the song and it's music speak for itself.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YXLjBYZbnE

"Tell Yourself"

I know what you tell yourself, you tell yourself.
Look in the mirror, look in the mirror what does it show?
I hear you counting
I know you're adding. adding up the score.
I know, oh yes I know what you tell yourself,
Tell yourself.

Ever since Eden we're built for pleasing everyone knows
And ever since Adam cracked his ribs and let us go
I know, oh yes I know what you tell yourself
Tell yourself

Who taught you how to lie so well
And to believe in each and every word you say?
Who told you that nothing about you is alright
It's just no use, it's just no good you'll never be O.K.?

Well I know, I know that wrong's been done to you
"It's such a tough world," that's what you say
Well I know, I know it's easier said than done
But that's enough girl, give it away,
Give it, give it all away

Tell yourself that you're not pretty
Look at you, you're beautiful.
Tell yourself that no one sees
Plain Jane invisible me, just tell yourself

Tell yourself you'll never be
Like the anorexic beauties in the magazines
Just a bargain basement Barbie Doll
No belle du jour, no femme fatale
Just tell yourself

Tell yourself there's nothing worse
Than the pain inside and the way it hurts
But tell yourself it's nothing new
Cause everybody feels it too
They feel it too

And there's just no getting 'round
The fact that you're thirteen right now