Firstly I would like to talk about the main reason I feel the urge to go back to blogging. It is currently a year ago that I started my application process to join the Army Reserves. This has bought up a couple of emotions within me that have been tugging me around a bit. However I would like to note that at no point in time have I felt that i made the wrong choice or that I would like to go back on the decision I made. That is a massive step for me. I would like to acknowledge that the main emotions are disappointment and frustration. I am disappointed that I had to withdraw from the Army Reserves as I had huge potential in my capacity within 4 Yorks,I felt at home incredibly quickly within 4 Yorks and I truly saw it as an honourable role that I was fulfilling. I feel frustrated because I perceived it as a step into another career, that I found fulfilling and enjoyable. Yet I would like to reiterate that at no point have I come to the conclusion that I made the wrong choice nor would I feel the need to reverse that decision. Also the experience and growth that came out of those very few weeks that I was there are invaluable.
The second point is something that comes out of the first but also applies across my general life. I have been rather inwardly depreciating due to the fact that I had to resign the Army Reserves. I am not being upset with myself but I am certain, in my mind, that people have dismissed my Army Reserves experience as me running after something and then giving up again. I know myself enough that I come across as fickle, irregular and maybe even capricious. However I also know myself well enough that I am just incredibly passionate and excitable and there is a lot of things in this world that I care a lot about. In my mind I just feel that people are dismissing me and my passions because of how erratic I can be so people just laugh at me and my actions/ decisions. This is something that spreads across my entire life. I am incredibly overly analytical, to the point where I will analyse conversations, texts, actions or there within lack of (of all the aforementioned items!) that people do (or nor do). This can completely cripple my reciprocated actions, conversations and relationships. I just have an amazing gift of mind reading apparently(!).
Which leads to my third and final point: to a certain extent I don't look or act like a person who has anxiety or depression. That is because it is people based, or technically it is the absence of people that triggers. I am incredibly tactile and emotional (which I hope should be evident enough throughout all these blogs, if not here it is written out) so when people don't nourish or activate that part of me I end up obsessing over possible reasons as to why they don't, or more technically don't want to. This is why very few people know or see my depression and anxiety, it's because I don't want people to see or know it. I know that seems incredulous due to the fact that I am blogging on the World Wide Web about this, but that is because here is where I can put out there what I am feeling and experiencing without fear of immediate repercussions or reprisals. It lowers the whole anxiety wrapped around talking about this.
The main reason I don't talk to people about it or let people know is pure and simple: I am terrified of people verifying my irrational and illogical conclusions. I am so terrified of it that I wouldn't even risk people verifying it. Fortunately the part of my brain that IS rational and knows better has the upper hand a lot of the time at the moment so I can face these thoughts and tackle them head on.
So that is why I have returned to blogging. I can see that most of my rise in anxiety and low mood has been triggered by these reminders of the Army Reserves but this has helped me spread it out before me and identify how to combat this more efficiently. I just need to face the thoughts at the start and acknowledge they have no power over my decisions or my life. Face them and speak the truth to them.
Much better. :)
In other news: I have a bit of a secret. Once again ridiculous because this is on the Internet, but very few people visit and I haven't publicized this to my friends (that I'm aware of!). Ah well. Anyway; I am planning to take up pole dancing in the New Year. I was inspired when I took my brother and his girlfriend to visit a potential University. We went into the social area and there was the University's pole dancing team. There were men doing it and they were really good at it. So i thought "hey I would love to do that" and I have thought about it and considered it for a couple of months. I still want to do it. Not for sexy-ness or to strip or anything, but to dance to music in a beautiful mixture of masculinity and femininity, build up fitness and to just have some fun doing something different. I haven't told anyone but Liz my intentions mainly because of point two. I have decided to keep things in my mind and on paper until I have made quite a few active steps towards achieving these before telling people of my intentions or actions. I can't risk looking like a spanner in front of people and having another "erratic" or "variable" activity or intention again. However there is also a second reason and it is scientifically based. When we tell people of our intentions to do something positive and receive praise our brain releases the same chemical that we receive when we complete a positive activity and receive praise. So technically what happens is we stump ourselves and, admittedly inadvertently, dupe our brain into thinking that we have completed that positive task at hand. This negatively reinforces our brain to now want to actually do the activity. Why should we do it? We have already received praise for it? So there is a bit of Science for you. Hope you find it useful.
And now my secret is yours too.
Until next time.....
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