Anatomy of Survival

Over the last few weeks I have been through a good number of highs and lows. Admittedly I feel like I've been dragged through them backwards but nonetheless I have learnt a lot from them. I am never very good at holidays as I seem to lose structure and can easily end up just sitting down and overthinking things. Something I am incredibly prone to anyway. After a some raised anxieties and a lot of worry I decided almost last minute to cancel going away with Christ Church Fulwood to help out on their Youth Houseparty. I was supposed to be helping out in the kitchen, catering for 160 youth, for the week. I suddenly realised that with my anxieties being so high, going off with people who had caused me quite a lot of pain and hurt, wasn't the wisest things. I decided to chat to my mum about it after I had informed them that I couldn't make it.

Mum was understanding. I can't stand it when that happens. I was hoping that she would get really angry and have a go at me about, hence reinforcing my stance and my decision. Instead her understanding allowed me to evaluate where I was in myself and discern whether or not I would benefit from going or not. The tipping factor was when a friend of mine expressed a sense of upset at the fact I wouldn't be able to make it. So I decided to go, and it was the right choice. i only stayed for three days and despite only having about 4-5 hours restless sleep each night it did a lot of good for me. I learnt a lot about tolerating people and respecting people stories and viewpoints. I learnt to hold my tongue when it was necessary but also that there are times to say the unspoken. Despite disagreeing on some key areas with people who were there I found myself still eager to love and cherish them. I found myself eager to be in Communion with them and the thought of not being quite upsetting.
Mixed into all this I spent my spare time reading Anatomy of survival by Una Kroll. Una Kroll is a priest in the Anglican Church who was formerly a nun who left her order to marry her husband, who was formerly a monk that left his order to marry her. She has outlived him by many years and has survived many friends deaths. When she was younger her mother tried to kill her and herself to relieve themselves of the misery of poverty. She grew up to do medicine in many areas and as already mentioned be a nun and priest. She spoke about all the different ways people go on to survive, whether it be from tragic accidents, familial deaths, break up of relationships, abandonment from friends or even loss of job or belongings. It was during this book that it struck me that I am a survivor. In a relatively short amount of time I have lost my grandparents, lost my friends from school, lost my two (apparently) closest friends and lost someone who was painfully close to me. This has all fed into my depression, low moods and anxieties. yet oddly enough reading this whilst away with people who had hurt me opened my eyes to the fact that these people have been a constant part of my story. They have still walked with me and I with them. These people, despite pushing me to life's edge, have actually been a part of the anatomy of my survival. God has a wicked sense of humour.
As I carried on through the book I learnt how similar (honestly I know, I struggle to believe it too) Una Kroll. She is a polymath who people look at and ask "how do you cope and function? How do you even think you can do all these different roles/jobs at the same time?" She has the same anxieties and worries as me. She managed to word some of my deepest fears and explain why they happen. On my journey home from Houseparty a song came on that just crystallised the whole thing. Karine Polwart has a wonderful little song called Daisy that is "a gentle word to the wise to one of life’s givers and truth-tellers who can’t quite comprehend that “there are people in this world who don’t think like you do”" http://www.karinepolwart.com/about/

This song perfectly plucked out my feelings and approaches to people and actually that there is nothing wrong with it. I am a naturally trusting person, who doesn't quite comprehend when people aren't like that or respect people who are like that. I am a person who only speaks things I believe to be true and can't screw people over. I do trust what people say and take what they say and trust in it. In all this people have and do take advantage of me and my nature, but that isn't a fault with me or my personality. It is with them. Whilst I was away with Fulwood one of my friends text me saying "I don't get why you put up with them and do their cooking!!". I do it because it is the right thing to do and otherwise it is the wrong things in life getting the better of my nature. In the words of Una Kroll "By the grace of God I have not developed a thick skin". Amen.

Taking Control and Letting Go

On the first Thursday of the Summer Holidays I had my final CBT session. I was quite nervous as I approached it as I thought that I would just collapse afterwards, or I wouldn't have that crutch in place for when I needed it. I was quite apprehensive about letting my Therapist let me go and I was hoping deep down that she would find a excuse or reason for me to carry on the sessions. However by the end of the session everything just somehow managed to click into place. All the way through the five previous sessions I had a conflict inside myself. I think I had approached the therapy as if I was trying to change my substantially; change the things that make me me. The therapy was trying to move me from irrational to rational behaviour, away from opinion and towards fact, moving my attention from past and future and towards the present. For me this seemed contentious and I had an image of my self being transformed into somebody that wasn't me. I didn't want to change as I had only just started to see many of my personal traits as positives.

I expressed my concern to my therapist and she asked me what kind of traits was I referring to. I felt that my passion, my thin skin, my passion, my emotional vulnerability and the fact I wear my heart on my sleeve all as positive things. I explained that I perceived these "new" ways of thinking (treating thoughts as mental events, having them based on fact rather than opinion, let go and focusing on the present) all seemed to conflict with my core personality traits. I expressed that I felt that they were trying to make me like an automaton and sterile. She paused and took time to consider how to word her next sentence. She then spoke the most sense I have experienced in a long time. 

That's when it all clicked. She explained that my emotions and feelings and thoughts are mine for me to control not the other way round. All my positive traits, that enable me to be a positive role model, effective youth worker and a valued person in my community, friendships, and families, are for me to control. They are not to be taking control of me and my mood. This allows all those areas in which I am effective to be even more effective. Instead of being completely totaled by an event or conversation that is emotional or difficult, I can actually take control of my observations, feelings, and responses. 

We then went on to have another hour and twenty minutes discussing family, life, holidays and anything else. Quite astounding considering it was a half hour session, but I will expand on that in another post. However there was one other part of the therapy that I had an issue with but managed to contemplate/ meditate on for a while and came to an agreeable conclusion. Part of the therapy was to practice moving my attention away from the past and the future and towards the present. I have a tendency to over think, over plan and worry about both the past and the future. I always felt this was a correct way to behave and it even seemed theologically sound. If I could plan and take control of the future I can shape it into something that is pleasing and acceptable to God. If I focused in on the past I could atone for all my mistakes and correct all the wrongs I have made. Internally I was struggling with this change of mindset towards being present focused but I started practicing it. Listening to the sounds of the cars going by, feeling the breeze on my face or the backs of books. I would concentrate on the smells of cooking or burning brake pads. I would hone in on the taste of the air or the colours in the night sky. Suddenly a verse came to my mind:

Matthew 6:31-34

31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I realised that in my worrying about the past and future I was denying the gift that was given to me; the gift of today and all that it brings. I can now honestly, happily and theologically(?) say that I am doing my best to live for today.