The Image of Chaos and Peace

Today definitely deserves a splurge. My goodness it has been absolutely knackering. Somehow, despite waking up all positive and sticking on my music on the way to work (apparently I've picked up my woman power taste in music, go figure) and starting out happy and excitable with my colleagues, today has just decided to try and smush me over. Well in the words of Bianca Del Rio:

So to kick start it, I got invited to join a lovely social group thing on Facebook. "That sounds lovely and positive and nice and fun" I hear you say. Silently..... to your screen. And yes you are correct in thinking that, but it completely threw me out of gear. It has been set up for and predominantly consists of Christ Church Fulwood (CCF) people. So my mind immediately jumps to "why?". Why me? Why them? Immediate assumption was that I was added by accident as the person who set it up clicked through their friends. Nope couldn't be that.

Second reaction is that this is an incredibly elaborate and well coordinated prank to make me look like a fool. I know it's a ridiculous thought but my mind went there. It was a genuine feeling and thought. So that was quickly ruled out and I settled to that they added me because they wanted me to be added.

So I spend the next two to three hours trying to figure out why they could possibly want me to be part of this group. All that I can remember is really being at odds with this group and barely ever feeling welcomed so why all of a sudden would I be "in". Here enters my brains ability to recall every embarrassing, frustrating and awkward memory from my time at CCF. God forbid if I try to remember where I put my keys, somebody's name or when the next PCC meeting is. I can't do that, but I can remember all those awkward memories at the drop of a hat. I think that should be added to my CV, I'll just be two seconds.

Right it's added, right between "can't breathe through left nostril" and "has a distaste for hard foods and loves mixing hot custard with cold ice cream". I think I will patent that final idea actually. So as I was saying, I finally moved past awkward, embarrassing, frustrating memories and moved into a position of acceptance that I was in the group and soon enough people will be  coordinating and organising lovely socials and spending time together. But where do I fit in this? This is where I will use some images to try and explain how my head felt.

This here is a very good representation of my train of thought. I ended up pursuing about twenty different conclusions at the same time. Image and conclusions flying through my head: awkward stuttered conversations, being singled out, sitting by myself, doing something ridiculously embarrassing and bursting into tears, offending someone by accident, snapping at someone because I'm tired or exhausted.

Another good image to compare it with is when spaceships go spiraling off when there engines fail or they get hit. You know the moment it gets hit and the comical and the triumphant moment for the good guys as it goes flying off at x amount of mph into the abyss of nothingness? Yeah that was my train of thought!

This image is a really good reflection of the rest of my brain. Today I had the joy of trying to work with new schemes of work and providing resources for them. This was whilst being informed that I'm too incapable to flick a fuse switch back on by one member of staff and that I have absolutely no right to work independently on the jobs that I have been set by another member of staff! I digress.....

As I struggle to try and recall the names of transition metals, how they work and which practicals work best to display their properties to Y9 students, my main processing power seems to be plugged into "What would you do if you were stood in a room of all these people at CCF and you were completely alone? Remember that feeling, now imagine that one person comes up to you and tries to make a conversation but you completely Jeff it up! Look here is a disappointed face to bring it to life......"

Once again I defer to Bianca del Rio for my response.....to me. FFS!

Look Bianca puts a smile on my face. Eddie Izzard is my hero and RuPaul's Drag Race is my favourite series. Drag queen and female impersonators inspire me. It's probably where my influence to become vicar comes from. You are required by Canon Law to cross-dress every Sunday and each time you lead a formal service! And get paid to do it!

So yes, today has completely frazzled me and I feel like all my neuron pathways (or thought motorways as I like to call them) have been overused and burnt out. This is nothing new to me and I can solidly predict that tonight I am going to sleep like a log. This overthinking business is tiring! There are two final images I would like to finish with.

I like this one for two reasons. Firstly it beautifully depicts how I feel sometimes when my mind is in chaos. My mind never seems to stop, even when I try to rest, which leaves me feeling stupidly jealous of people who don't seem to have this problem. I just want to reach inside my head and rip out my thoughts and cogitations so that I could just stop. I can breathe. Just relax and enjoy the silence. However brief it be. 

The second reason I will leave you to figure out. It shouldn't be too hard (ooer) to figure out. XD

 I do want to note quickly that yes it can be the simplest things that don't seem obvious, nay even contradictory to ones personality, that can lead a person into a place of great distress or worry. I know that I am social. I know that I love people. I can bring to mind hundreds of examples to prove so. I love meeting people. I know that everything will be OK if I go along to these social soirees and gatherings. Yet I have just had chaos today because......

Well I'm not too sure but that simple act of adding me to that group threw me into a major wobbly today so please remember when dealing with people who have mental health issues that it may not make sense and it may not be obvious, rational, sensible or even reasonable but the simplest thing can throw us out. Most of the time we don't know why the hell it has but all we know is that it simply has. If we could make it stop we would love to but we can't so please in these moments hold us gently. Love us and reassure us. And please, please, please be patient. We're not particularly tolerant of ourselves so you have to be our patience for a time. It may be inconvenient to you but just remember how inconvenient it is to us. Hint: it's bloody inconvenient!

The final image to use is the one that is the cover for my Blog. There is one little reprieve that I occasionally get it. In my life when the simplest thing, such as adding me to a social group on Facebook (despite knowing that I am incredibly social and I love people and meeting them), can throw me into a nervous and anxious wobbly there is a quiet joy to be found in the moments where peace is found. It doesn't happen every time but it is two distinct activities that this Peace has always been in: the Breaking of Bread and Prayer. Never when I set up this Blog did I expect a) to have these mental health (or there within lack of) issues or b) that this picture would mean so much to me. It reminds me that in the madness and chaos there is a light, a brief reprise. A perfect, present peace.

In other news: (I might make this a thing!) I sat on the toilet at church and the seat broke under me. Thanks! I've finally managed to actually gain weight for the first time in my life (I've been stuck at 8st since the age of 14) and the world tells me "ooh you're getting big!". Hahahaha, it's bought a smile to a great many people.

Blessings,

Ed out.

Feeling Bloggy, but in the good way!

Apparently I have missed several months of blogging again. It's been a very busy few months and I'm not going to get upset with myself for having not blogged. It's just something that has happened. However I have just felt an urge to blog again. I know what has triggered it but in this  post I think I want to talk about three different things that have triggered it.

Firstly I would like to talk about the main reason I feel the urge to go back to blogging. It is currently a year ago that I started my application process to join the Army Reserves. This has bought up a couple of emotions within me that have been tugging me around a bit. However I would like to note that at no point in time have I felt that i made the wrong choice or that I would like to go back on the decision I made. That is a massive step for me. I would like to acknowledge that the main emotions are disappointment and frustration. I am disappointed that I had to withdraw from the Army Reserves as I had huge potential in my capacity within 4 Yorks,I felt at home incredibly quickly within 4 Yorks and I truly saw it as an honourable role that I was fulfilling. I feel frustrated because I perceived it as a step into another career, that I found fulfilling and enjoyable. Yet I would like to reiterate that at no point have I come to the conclusion that I made the wrong choice nor would I feel the need to reverse that decision. Also the experience and growth that came out of those very few weeks that I was there are invaluable.

The second point is something that comes out of the first but also applies across my general life. I have been rather inwardly depreciating due to the fact that I had to resign the Army Reserves. I am not being upset with myself but I am certain, in my mind, that people have dismissed my Army Reserves experience as me running after something and then giving up again. I know myself enough that I come across as fickle, irregular and maybe even capricious. However I also know myself well enough that I am just incredibly passionate and excitable and there is a lot of things in this world that I care a lot about. In my mind I just feel that people are dismissing me and my passions because of how erratic I can be so people just laugh at me and my actions/ decisions. This is something that spreads across my entire life. I am incredibly overly analytical, to the point where I will analyse conversations, texts, actions or there within lack of (of all the aforementioned items!) that people do (or nor do). This can completely cripple my reciprocated actions, conversations and relationships. I just have an amazing gift of mind reading apparently(!).

Which leads to my third and final point: to a certain extent I don't look or act like a person who has anxiety or depression. That is because it is people based, or technically it is the absence of people that triggers. I am incredibly tactile and emotional (which I hope should be evident enough throughout all these blogs, if not here it is written out) so when people don't nourish or activate that part of me I end up obsessing over possible reasons as to why they don't, or more technically don't want to. This is why very few people know or see my depression and anxiety, it's because I don't want people to see or know it. I know that seems incredulous due to the fact that I am blogging on the World Wide Web about this, but that is because here is where I can put out there what I am feeling and experiencing without fear of immediate repercussions or reprisals. It lowers the whole anxiety wrapped around talking about this.

The main reason I don't talk to people about it or let people know is pure and simple: I am terrified of people verifying my irrational and illogical conclusions. I am so terrified of it that I wouldn't even risk people verifying it. Fortunately the part of my brain that IS rational and knows better has the upper hand a lot of the time at the moment so I can face these thoughts and tackle them head on.

So that is why I have returned to blogging. I can see that most of my rise in anxiety and low mood has been triggered by these reminders of the Army Reserves but this has helped me spread it out before me and identify how to combat this more efficiently. I just need to face the thoughts at the start and acknowledge they have no power over my decisions or my life. Face them and speak the truth to them.

Much better. :)

In other news: I have a bit of a secret. Once again ridiculous because this is on the Internet, but very few people visit and I haven't publicized this to my friends (that I'm aware of!). Ah well. Anyway; I am planning to take up pole dancing in the New Year. I was inspired when I took my brother and his girlfriend to visit a potential University. We went into the social area and there was the University's pole dancing team. There were men doing it and they were really good at it. So i thought "hey I would love to do that" and I have thought about it and considered it for a couple of months. I still want to do it. Not for sexy-ness or to strip or anything, but to dance to music in a beautiful mixture of masculinity and femininity, build up fitness and to just have some fun doing something different. I haven't told anyone but Liz my intentions mainly because of point two. I have decided to keep things in my mind and on paper until I have made quite a few active steps towards achieving these before telling people of my intentions or actions. I can't risk looking like a spanner in front of people and having another "erratic" or "variable" activity or intention again. However there is also a second reason and it is scientifically based. When we tell people of our intentions to do something positive and receive praise our brain releases the same chemical that we receive when we complete a positive activity and receive praise. So technically what happens is we stump ourselves and, admittedly inadvertently, dupe our brain into thinking that we have completed that positive task at hand. This negatively reinforces our brain to now want to actually do the activity. Why should we do it? We have already received praise for it? So there is a bit of Science for you. Hope you find it useful.

And now my secret is yours too. 

Until next time.....

Anatomy of Survival

Over the last few weeks I have been through a good number of highs and lows. Admittedly I feel like I've been dragged through them backwards but nonetheless I have learnt a lot from them. I am never very good at holidays as I seem to lose structure and can easily end up just sitting down and overthinking things. Something I am incredibly prone to anyway. After a some raised anxieties and a lot of worry I decided almost last minute to cancel going away with Christ Church Fulwood to help out on their Youth Houseparty. I was supposed to be helping out in the kitchen, catering for 160 youth, for the week. I suddenly realised that with my anxieties being so high, going off with people who had caused me quite a lot of pain and hurt, wasn't the wisest things. I decided to chat to my mum about it after I had informed them that I couldn't make it.

Mum was understanding. I can't stand it when that happens. I was hoping that she would get really angry and have a go at me about, hence reinforcing my stance and my decision. Instead her understanding allowed me to evaluate where I was in myself and discern whether or not I would benefit from going or not. The tipping factor was when a friend of mine expressed a sense of upset at the fact I wouldn't be able to make it. So I decided to go, and it was the right choice. i only stayed for three days and despite only having about 4-5 hours restless sleep each night it did a lot of good for me. I learnt a lot about tolerating people and respecting people stories and viewpoints. I learnt to hold my tongue when it was necessary but also that there are times to say the unspoken. Despite disagreeing on some key areas with people who were there I found myself still eager to love and cherish them. I found myself eager to be in Communion with them and the thought of not being quite upsetting.
Mixed into all this I spent my spare time reading Anatomy of survival by Una Kroll. Una Kroll is a priest in the Anglican Church who was formerly a nun who left her order to marry her husband, who was formerly a monk that left his order to marry her. She has outlived him by many years and has survived many friends deaths. When she was younger her mother tried to kill her and herself to relieve themselves of the misery of poverty. She grew up to do medicine in many areas and as already mentioned be a nun and priest. She spoke about all the different ways people go on to survive, whether it be from tragic accidents, familial deaths, break up of relationships, abandonment from friends or even loss of job or belongings. It was during this book that it struck me that I am a survivor. In a relatively short amount of time I have lost my grandparents, lost my friends from school, lost my two (apparently) closest friends and lost someone who was painfully close to me. This has all fed into my depression, low moods and anxieties. yet oddly enough reading this whilst away with people who had hurt me opened my eyes to the fact that these people have been a constant part of my story. They have still walked with me and I with them. These people, despite pushing me to life's edge, have actually been a part of the anatomy of my survival. God has a wicked sense of humour.
As I carried on through the book I learnt how similar (honestly I know, I struggle to believe it too) Una Kroll. She is a polymath who people look at and ask "how do you cope and function? How do you even think you can do all these different roles/jobs at the same time?" She has the same anxieties and worries as me. She managed to word some of my deepest fears and explain why they happen. On my journey home from Houseparty a song came on that just crystallised the whole thing. Karine Polwart has a wonderful little song called Daisy that is "a gentle word to the wise to one of life’s givers and truth-tellers who can’t quite comprehend that “there are people in this world who don’t think like you do”" http://www.karinepolwart.com/about/

This song perfectly plucked out my feelings and approaches to people and actually that there is nothing wrong with it. I am a naturally trusting person, who doesn't quite comprehend when people aren't like that or respect people who are like that. I am a person who only speaks things I believe to be true and can't screw people over. I do trust what people say and take what they say and trust in it. In all this people have and do take advantage of me and my nature, but that isn't a fault with me or my personality. It is with them. Whilst I was away with Fulwood one of my friends text me saying "I don't get why you put up with them and do their cooking!!". I do it because it is the right thing to do and otherwise it is the wrong things in life getting the better of my nature. In the words of Una Kroll "By the grace of God I have not developed a thick skin". Amen.

Taking Control and Letting Go

On the first Thursday of the Summer Holidays I had my final CBT session. I was quite nervous as I approached it as I thought that I would just collapse afterwards, or I wouldn't have that crutch in place for when I needed it. I was quite apprehensive about letting my Therapist let me go and I was hoping deep down that she would find a excuse or reason for me to carry on the sessions. However by the end of the session everything just somehow managed to click into place. All the way through the five previous sessions I had a conflict inside myself. I think I had approached the therapy as if I was trying to change my substantially; change the things that make me me. The therapy was trying to move me from irrational to rational behaviour, away from opinion and towards fact, moving my attention from past and future and towards the present. For me this seemed contentious and I had an image of my self being transformed into somebody that wasn't me. I didn't want to change as I had only just started to see many of my personal traits as positives.

I expressed my concern to my therapist and she asked me what kind of traits was I referring to. I felt that my passion, my thin skin, my passion, my emotional vulnerability and the fact I wear my heart on my sleeve all as positive things. I explained that I perceived these "new" ways of thinking (treating thoughts as mental events, having them based on fact rather than opinion, let go and focusing on the present) all seemed to conflict with my core personality traits. I expressed that I felt that they were trying to make me like an automaton and sterile. She paused and took time to consider how to word her next sentence. She then spoke the most sense I have experienced in a long time. 

That's when it all clicked. She explained that my emotions and feelings and thoughts are mine for me to control not the other way round. All my positive traits, that enable me to be a positive role model, effective youth worker and a valued person in my community, friendships, and families, are for me to control. They are not to be taking control of me and my mood. This allows all those areas in which I am effective to be even more effective. Instead of being completely totaled by an event or conversation that is emotional or difficult, I can actually take control of my observations, feelings, and responses. 

We then went on to have another hour and twenty minutes discussing family, life, holidays and anything else. Quite astounding considering it was a half hour session, but I will expand on that in another post. However there was one other part of the therapy that I had an issue with but managed to contemplate/ meditate on for a while and came to an agreeable conclusion. Part of the therapy was to practice moving my attention away from the past and the future and towards the present. I have a tendency to over think, over plan and worry about both the past and the future. I always felt this was a correct way to behave and it even seemed theologically sound. If I could plan and take control of the future I can shape it into something that is pleasing and acceptable to God. If I focused in on the past I could atone for all my mistakes and correct all the wrongs I have made. Internally I was struggling with this change of mindset towards being present focused but I started practicing it. Listening to the sounds of the cars going by, feeling the breeze on my face or the backs of books. I would concentrate on the smells of cooking or burning brake pads. I would hone in on the taste of the air or the colours in the night sky. Suddenly a verse came to my mind:

Matthew 6:31-34

31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I realised that in my worrying about the past and future I was denying the gift that was given to me; the gift of today and all that it brings. I can now honestly, happily and theologically(?) say that I am doing my best to live for today. 

Oasis in the desert

There are a number of people in my life, who sadly I will probably never meet, who have made a massive impact on my life. They have spoken into my life, or given me an image or produced some form of art/ media that has helped me to put things into perspective and move forward. Eddie Izzard and Natalie Merchant are two people who have made a major positive influence on my life. They are gifts that just keep on giving. Eddie Izzard has helped me to laugh and cry and just enjoy life when necessary. Natalie Merchant helps to give me the words and the emotions she conveys in her music. Despite listening to Natalie Merchant for many years a song has suddenly leapt out at me. I had never heard it before until this last week. During this time I have taken up rehearsing for a play and that has been like an oasis in the desert for me. This song truly has just been the cherry on top, it has just finished and rounded off this experience so well. It truly has been a God song. I will let the song and it's music speak for itself.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YXLjBYZbnE

"Tell Yourself"

I know what you tell yourself, you tell yourself.
Look in the mirror, look in the mirror what does it show?
I hear you counting
I know you're adding. adding up the score.
I know, oh yes I know what you tell yourself,
Tell yourself.

Ever since Eden we're built for pleasing everyone knows
And ever since Adam cracked his ribs and let us go
I know, oh yes I know what you tell yourself
Tell yourself

Who taught you how to lie so well
And to believe in each and every word you say?
Who told you that nothing about you is alright
It's just no use, it's just no good you'll never be O.K.?

Well I know, I know that wrong's been done to you
"It's such a tough world," that's what you say
Well I know, I know it's easier said than done
But that's enough girl, give it away,
Give it, give it all away

Tell yourself that you're not pretty
Look at you, you're beautiful.
Tell yourself that no one sees
Plain Jane invisible me, just tell yourself

Tell yourself you'll never be
Like the anorexic beauties in the magazines
Just a bargain basement Barbie Doll
No belle du jour, no femme fatale
Just tell yourself

Tell yourself there's nothing worse
Than the pain inside and the way it hurts
But tell yourself it's nothing new
Cause everybody feels it too
They feel it too

And there's just no getting 'round
The fact that you're thirteen right now

My evil mistress. My enticing, leeching, seductive mistress. She cannot let me go nor I her. I may have only learnt who she is recently but she has been there for so long. Lingering in the shadows. Whispering in my inner ear. Holding me from behind.
There is a certain chilling warmth to her. Something akin to a tepid glass of water when thirst strikes hard. You yearn for something cooling, something more refreshing but knowing this is the only refreshment, if you could use that term, within reach.
Life for some is refreshing of itself. For some it is draining but there is a spring of cool refreshing water nearby. Yet for some, such as myself, life leads you out into the desert, sucks you dry and then leaves you there. That is when she strikes. Many times she has sat there patiently, watching and waiting. Just listening and learning; finding the chinks in the armour and the weak spots in all the defenses. They say that "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned," and no truer words could be said of my mistress. I find that after a time of being away from her, enjoying the company of others, enjoying life and living with all the gifts it gives me, she is there awaiting my return. As I rejoin my seclusion I open the door in my mind and she is sat in a room of chaos. Sat at an old table, a glass of ruby red wine in one hand and a slimline cigarette holder in the other. The room is in chaos: smashed plates piled at the edge of the room, shards protruding from the wall above it like shrapnel. Books are strewn across the floor with pages torn and shredded. The few photographs of happy memories are now spread across the table, marked with "lies", "they don't care" "you're just a joke". What few portraits there are of myself have "bastard" "ugly" and "worthless" water marked across them. No item is left untouched, nothing escaped her furious scrutiny. 

The smells then hit; a light touch of the deodorant hidden in the closet. My aunt had bought it for me once but it was the same as the one worn by him. Now the smell brings back waves of emotion; first anger as you remember the immediate pain and turmoil he caused, then anguish as you look back at all the times he had taken advantage and exploited you. This is followed swiftly by a wave of guilt and self hatred as I am reminded of all the times I had been overbearing, nagging and frustrated at his lack of love or care for me. Finally the deep booming hollow pang of loneliness rolls in like a silent thunderstorm. It strikes right in the chest spreading outwards towards my limbs and face. A solitary tear rolls down as I double over, steadily spilling over myself like a slowed down recording of a man shot in the stomach.

"He never really loved you, you know"

She rises slowly and dramatically, pointing at me with her slimline to reinforce her point.

"He never cared. Why would he? What is there about You that could he possibly love or care for? All you do is nag and whinge and annoy. He barely tolerated you and all you're good for is your "hospitality" if you can call it that."

She circles me, her heeled shoes crunching on the broken glass and crockery covering the floor. She gestures with her hand towards the table, wine glass still in hand without spilling a drop. 

"In fact that applies to all of them. You think they are wanting to spend time with you but they don't. You know that deep down in there so lets not pretend. Even whilst you're with them they are laughing at you, you're feeble attempts to be good company."

Her cold hand strokes across my back and she taps her slimline gently as it lingers over my head, covering me with ash.

"Now come along, there is no use in you staying here."

She stands in front of me holding my shoulders between her fag hand and glass of wine. 

"No-one can see in here and you can't possibly show them either. There is no escape now from this. Tomorrow I might let you go and have a good day. Or the day after. Or it may be a week. But don't you ever forget about me, because I am here and I will always be here. Ready to bring you back to this solitary confinement whenever I feel like it."

My shoulder drop some more between her arms. She moves to stand alongside me and pulls me up straight and starts leading me to the table.

"I know you must be tired but we have so much to discuss. Now you remember that time they wouldn't reply to your texts, that is because they don't like you and you aren't worth their time or energy. Believe me I know, look at all this other evidence......"

Another long night begins.

Why did you make me wrong?

So far with this journey of reflection and self learning lots of surprises and emotions have risen to the surface but there is one thing that arose a couple of years ago that really shows the root and depths of my problems. About a year ago I went to a Diocesan Development Day where we had an opportunity to go to some workshops and engage with the topic put forward. One of the workshops was "sexuality". Straight away everyone from my group laughed and we all knew that was the one for me. I went into the workshop expecting to be spoken to about the wide ranges of opinions, theologies, bible verses and history of sexuality. Instead we were taken on a meditation about us and God.
The lady in charge got us all to sit down and we held onto little yellow stretchy men. We held them and used them as the centre of our meditation. We were encouraged to think about ourselves, all our attractions, hurts, dislikes and personality traits. We were then led into a space in our meditation where we took ourselves before God. God who knows us all, inside and out. Best parts and worst parts and loves us and cares for us. God our Father. In my mind I stood naked before God in a throne room. It was cold and barren but not uncomfortably so.
We were then guided into a place where we presented ourselves as who we are before God. Then we were invited to think 'if you could ask God any question what would it be?' I prepared myself to mull it over and consider the questions. Bracing to think "why does bad happen?" "when will I get ordained?" "where do you want me to go next?" "how does the church unite?" instead I burst into silent tears as one question, a hidden question that had been living in me for so many years, came charging forth:

"Why did you make me wrong?".........

Choices, choices, choices......

What makes something a choice? What is choice and what is predisposed? The other day I had a long and somewhat fruitless conversation with a friend regarding predisposition and free will. This was discussed from both the psychological view of it and the theological view of it. Now I say fruitless conversation because there were no measurable or engaging conclusions. There was no discernable information gleaned that would affect us or anyone in the world.
However it did get the mind juices flowing and allow me to reflect on myself a bit more. It appears that God in His infinite wisdom has formed me with several characteristics, predispositions or conditions that are discussed and argued in society as choices or not. The two big ones are sexuality and depression. Weirdly enough I did not choose to be gay, nor did I choose to have depression. Yet there does appear to be a persistent mind set that it is a choice. So when people engage with me with the mind set that these are a choice the conversation doesn't move very easily due to the assumptions that are present. "so when did you choose to be gay?" "can't you just fancy women instead?" "why don't you just cheer up?" "why don't you choose to think happy things and notice the good things instead?". Trust me if I could, I would.
Beyond this there is still choice within all of this. We all have the choice to follow our predispositions or not. However it is incredibly tiring, difficult and sometimes damaging to go against these. For me to deny my sexuality and my feminine tendencies is a major trigger for my depression. I can still choose whether or not to chase after guys, but I can't choose to be attracted to them or the things that come with the territory. With my depression I cant choose when or how strongly my mood will alter or my anxieties will be. But I can choose the activities I do and the people who I surround myself with. So please acknowledge that there is a lot of me that is not a choice so don't assume that it is when we start those conversations. However also please acknowledge that it is a choice that I include you in my conversations and in my life so respect that. I may not have a choice about my sexuality and my depression but you have a choice as to whether or not you're a dick. Please choose wisely.

You just don't get it......

I wish I had a physical illness or condition instead of depression sometimes. I wish I had something that people could see, touch and perceive. I wish that my weaknesses and struggles were bare and visible for all to see. But they are not.

For me depression can sometimes be a cage. Due to its very nature it is self defeating. There are days when I am restricted, limited, lesser abled because of my illness. Those days are so hard because nobody can see my restrictions or limitations. Nor can I tell people about them. The very thought of telling people terrifies me. My mind is telling me "if you tell them you will be annoying them, you're just whinging", "you're pathetic enough as it is, don't give them any more reasons to believe that", "come on, you don't think they're actually going to care about what you're feeling or you at all", "they just don't care". All this noise stops me from being able to tell people that I can't go where they are going, or do what they are doing, so I sink deeper and deeper. That's usually when the questions start. "why can't you just come out?", "you could do it the other day why not today?" "but you're so good with people usually why not now?" "can't you just cheer up?".

All I want to scream is "You just don't get it". It is so hard to explain depression face to face and in words. You can't put feelings; fear, anxiety, anger, frustration, loneliness and relief into words or pictures. There is no word to describe the heart racing, sweating, time slowing, visually interrupting, mind fudging experience of fear. Or the brain fogging, neck tingling, blood chilling, hair pulling experience of anxiety. Or the heart tearing, soul chilling, heart in throat experience of loneliness. Depression is not visual. It is not measurable or tactile. There is no malleability to it, no shared experience or visible expression. I am not asking people to experience this to sympathise. All I ask for is grace and patience. So when I say I can't go somewhere or do something, please please believe me. It may nor be evident to you, the threats, the limitations, the restrictions may not be clear to you but please trust me in this; they are very very very clear to me. So don't be upset when I say "You just dont get it" because I pray you never do.

Look beyond the clouds......

Today is one of the tough days. Today I have been irritable, snappy, frustrated and angry. I've been tired, lethargic and my appetite has gone. I have just wanted to lie down, sleep and never wake up. Today the sea has been choppy and I have struggled to keep afloat. Yet by the Grace of God I have kept afloat. Days like today are some of the harder and more deceptive ones. I feel "normal" but just on the negative side so don't try to focus or handle the symptoms or illness. So in order to help myself today I would like to explain the imagery I use to understand and convey my experiences. Very early on in my diagnosis I discovered that the imagery best used was water based. Some people have the image of a dam and reservoir, with it bursting and all flooding forth. Some have rain and flash floods as their imagery for it. Mine is sea and coastal based.
On my good days the sea is calm, serene and the sun is shining through. There is life in the waters and I can enjoy the day and all it has to offer. I feel that I can do anything and I am moderately focused, making progress in my life and I'm actually enjoying me.
Then there are the "meh" days; days where I am just plodding along. Surviving. The seas at this time aren't choppy but they aren't settled. The skies are overcast and I can't see beyond the clouds. Days like that I barely tolerate myself. I have no worth or value but I am not negative towards myself. Sadly all it takes then is for a little trigger and then I spiral. This is when I slip into the really choppy days. The sky thunders, darkness descends, the boat sinks and I am surrounded and crushed by the waters. That's the mindset I am stuck in and it all stems from the days when I just cannot look beyond the clouds.

Sadly I have been brought up with a very unhealthy attitude towards myself and the main part of my treatment is to change my attitude towards and how I approach myself. One of the big things that I am having to learn to do that I am finding hard but really good when it works is to look beyond the clouds. When I reach the days where the clouds are gathering, all those negative thoughts and anxieties, I need to look up to God and see the light shining through. Look away from the self hatred, negative self imagery and the belief that people "tolerate" or "put up" with me and instead look towards the light. The fact that I am loved, I am treasured and I am accepted as I am. The other day we were in worship and suddenly a line stood out amongst the lyrics that challenged how I approached myself. "Take me as I am, I can come no other way". As I approach the heavenly throne room and as I approach friends, family and strangers I can only approach them as myself. It is down to them  how I am received and I am accepted. Yet I am blessed in the knowledge that as I approach God He loves me just unconditionally, wholly and infinitely. I just need to move that knowledge to my heart, and look beyond the clouds.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LO36F--Vn1g

Diagnosis: The D Word

So it's been over two years since I blogged apparently. Sadly life happened and got in the way but now I hope to be back and doing this. Blogging helps me concentrate my thoughts coherently and in a manner that I can go back and edit so that I can make mistakes as I go along. Which I need right now as I have just been diagnosed a couple of weeks ago with severe depression. As one of my friends pointed out today, I don't do anything by halves. Of course it has to be severe depression. Sadly I seem to be displaying most of the symptoms, which include forgetfulness, weariness, mood swings and irrational anxieties. That is the reason why I'm back blogging. As I said this helps me concentrate my thoughts and get them out in a coherent manner. Something I am finding very hard due to my mental illness (that's hard for me to admit but I will elaborate later). Also it is calming and relaxing so doesn't contribute to my weariness. Additionally it helps to ground me and remind me of the positives and gives me a record of all the good things. This helps to combat my mood swings. Finally I just really enjoy it. There doesn't seem to be a combat to my irrational anxieties yet because they are irrational. My logical side tells me very strongly that they are and I know that they are, but that does not stop me from feeling them.

Anyway today I want to start delving into my experience of the D word so far and with that word is where I shall start. Depression to me has been split into two meanings. There is the first one: somebody feels down and is feeling a bit glum today so they are a bit depressed. Everybody experiences it and uses the term, it is a part of daily life. However we know it's not the diagnosed medical depression it is just a low mood.
Then there is the second term: the horrifying mental illness that cripples a person and prevents them from functioning until medication alters their mind and they can get out of their deep dark black hole and join the rest of civilization in the real world. How my understanding was so wrong. However that is to some extent how I am feeling. That I have been officially diagnosed with a mental illness so I am now no longer a functioning, civilized being that contributes to the world. When I first left the doctors I got in my car and burst into tears. As far as I am/was concerned I have/had failed. I've let my family down because I couldn't stay strong, I had failed my friends because I couldn't stay positive and support them and I had let myself down because I couldn't stay true to me. The reason i say "am/was" is because at first the feeling was overwhelming and flooded inside of me but has become a lot less, yet still lingers in my mind ever so slightly.. I was drowning in it at first, desperately trying to keep my head above water and see light. Then I texted a friend. I explained how I felt and he responded in a most loving and caring manner. He told me I hadn't failed anyone and I would have only failed myself if I hadn't have gone.

Being diagnosed with depression has been possibly the most shaking event of my life to date. The reason being is that it has completely changed my perception of myself and why I do things. Have I been behaving oddly because I'm depressed or because I'm me? How long has this been going on for? Which were my bad days because of my depression and which ones are the ones that caused it? Were there things that caused it or is it purely hereditary? When does my personality and behaviour stop being me and are actually due to my illness? When will it end? Will it end? All this in less than 12 hours of diagnosis came flooding through my head.

Weirdly the step that I perceived as my biggest failure, my step into the doctors and being diagnosed with depression, everyone else has perceived as a great success, as a victory. Today I went along to youth group and it was a really big struggle but I did it. Part way through I went and had a chat with Gina, my vicar, and I burst into tears and told her about the diagnosis and my condition. She said that today was a victory and that I should celebrate it. I immediately felt frustration and joy. My frustration stems from the fact that tasks that seemed so normal, so mundane, in my everyday life have become difficult and sometimes scary. Yet joy because she was right. I had a small victory. Even before medication and any form of therapy I have faced my fears and won. This is the bit where it gets Goddy and it stays true to me and who I am. Suddenly I have reason, although it may be stemming from a distressing place, to celebrate the little things and the small things. The Daily Breads. They have suddenly turned into massive challenges and massive victories. Making small chat with a cashier, a big victory. Using the phone at work, a massive victory. Honestly telling people how I am feeling today, a massive victory. In all of this there is one saying that rings through and helps me to stand: In our weakness He is strong. All of a sudden when I say the Lords prayer I will be saying "give us today our daily bread" with a lot more feeling than before. Give us today our Daily Bread, give us today our victory.