Taking Control and Letting Go

On the first Thursday of the Summer Holidays I had my final CBT session. I was quite nervous as I approached it as I thought that I would just collapse afterwards, or I wouldn't have that crutch in place for when I needed it. I was quite apprehensive about letting my Therapist let me go and I was hoping deep down that she would find a excuse or reason for me to carry on the sessions. However by the end of the session everything just somehow managed to click into place. All the way through the five previous sessions I had a conflict inside myself. I think I had approached the therapy as if I was trying to change my substantially; change the things that make me me. The therapy was trying to move me from irrational to rational behaviour, away from opinion and towards fact, moving my attention from past and future and towards the present. For me this seemed contentious and I had an image of my self being transformed into somebody that wasn't me. I didn't want to change as I had only just started to see many of my personal traits as positives.

I expressed my concern to my therapist and she asked me what kind of traits was I referring to. I felt that my passion, my thin skin, my passion, my emotional vulnerability and the fact I wear my heart on my sleeve all as positive things. I explained that I perceived these "new" ways of thinking (treating thoughts as mental events, having them based on fact rather than opinion, let go and focusing on the present) all seemed to conflict with my core personality traits. I expressed that I felt that they were trying to make me like an automaton and sterile. She paused and took time to consider how to word her next sentence. She then spoke the most sense I have experienced in a long time. 

That's when it all clicked. She explained that my emotions and feelings and thoughts are mine for me to control not the other way round. All my positive traits, that enable me to be a positive role model, effective youth worker and a valued person in my community, friendships, and families, are for me to control. They are not to be taking control of me and my mood. This allows all those areas in which I am effective to be even more effective. Instead of being completely totaled by an event or conversation that is emotional or difficult, I can actually take control of my observations, feelings, and responses. 

We then went on to have another hour and twenty minutes discussing family, life, holidays and anything else. Quite astounding considering it was a half hour session, but I will expand on that in another post. However there was one other part of the therapy that I had an issue with but managed to contemplate/ meditate on for a while and came to an agreeable conclusion. Part of the therapy was to practice moving my attention away from the past and the future and towards the present. I have a tendency to over think, over plan and worry about both the past and the future. I always felt this was a correct way to behave and it even seemed theologically sound. If I could plan and take control of the future I can shape it into something that is pleasing and acceptable to God. If I focused in on the past I could atone for all my mistakes and correct all the wrongs I have made. Internally I was struggling with this change of mindset towards being present focused but I started practicing it. Listening to the sounds of the cars going by, feeling the breeze on my face or the backs of books. I would concentrate on the smells of cooking or burning brake pads. I would hone in on the taste of the air or the colours in the night sky. Suddenly a verse came to my mind:

Matthew 6:31-34

31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I realised that in my worrying about the past and future I was denying the gift that was given to me; the gift of today and all that it brings. I can now honestly, happily and theologically(?) say that I am doing my best to live for today.