Mum was understanding. I can't stand it when that happens. I was hoping that she would get really angry and have a go at me about, hence reinforcing my stance and my decision. Instead her understanding allowed me to evaluate where I was in myself and discern whether or not I would benefit from going or not. The tipping factor was when a friend of mine expressed a sense of upset at the fact I wouldn't be able to make it. So I decided to go, and it was the right choice. i only stayed for three days and despite only having about 4-5 hours restless sleep each night it did a lot of good for me. I learnt a lot about tolerating people and respecting people stories and viewpoints. I learnt to hold my tongue when it was necessary but also that there are times to say the unspoken. Despite disagreeing on some key areas with people who were there I found myself still eager to love and cherish them. I found myself eager to be in Communion with them and the thought of not being quite upsetting.
Mixed into all this I spent my spare time reading Anatomy of survival by Una Kroll. Una Kroll is a priest in the Anglican Church who was formerly a nun who left her order to marry her husband, who was formerly a monk that left his order to marry her. She has outlived him by many years and has survived many friends deaths. When she was younger her mother tried to kill her and herself to relieve themselves of the misery of poverty. She grew up to do medicine in many areas and as already mentioned be a nun and priest. She spoke about all the different ways people go on to survive, whether it be from tragic accidents, familial deaths, break up of relationships, abandonment from friends or even loss of job or belongings. It was during this book that it struck me that I am a survivor. In a relatively short amount of time I have lost my grandparents, lost my friends from school, lost my two (apparently) closest friends and lost someone who was painfully close to me. This has all fed into my depression, low moods and anxieties. yet oddly enough reading this whilst away with people who had hurt me opened my eyes to the fact that these people have been a constant part of my story. They have still walked with me and I with them. These people, despite pushing me to life's edge, have actually been a part of the anatomy of my survival. God has a wicked sense of humour.
As I carried on through the book I learnt how similar (honestly I know, I struggle to believe it too) Una Kroll. She is a polymath who people look at and ask "how do you cope and function? How do you even think you can do all these different roles/jobs at the same time?" She has the same anxieties and worries as me. She managed to word some of my deepest fears and explain why they happen. On my journey home from Houseparty a song came on that just crystallised the whole thing. Karine Polwart has a wonderful little song called Daisy that is "a gentle word to the wise to one of life’s givers and truth-tellers who can’t quite comprehend that “there are people in this world who don’t think like you do”" http://www.karinepolwart.com/about/
This song perfectly plucked out my feelings and approaches to people and actually that there is nothing wrong with it. I am a naturally trusting person, who doesn't quite comprehend when people aren't like that or respect people who are like that. I am a person who only speaks things I believe to be true and can't screw people over. I do trust what people say and take what they say and trust in it. In all this people have and do take advantage of me and my nature, but that isn't a fault with me or my personality. It is with them. Whilst I was away with Fulwood one of my friends text me saying "I don't get why you put up with them and do their cooking!!". I do it because it is the right thing to do and otherwise it is the wrong things in life getting the better of my nature. In the words of Una Kroll "By the grace of God I have not developed a thick skin". Amen.
Mixed into all this I spent my spare time reading Anatomy of survival by Una Kroll. Una Kroll is a priest in the Anglican Church who was formerly a nun who left her order to marry her husband, who was formerly a monk that left his order to marry her. She has outlived him by many years and has survived many friends deaths. When she was younger her mother tried to kill her and herself to relieve themselves of the misery of poverty. She grew up to do medicine in many areas and as already mentioned be a nun and priest. She spoke about all the different ways people go on to survive, whether it be from tragic accidents, familial deaths, break up of relationships, abandonment from friends or even loss of job or belongings. It was during this book that it struck me that I am a survivor. In a relatively short amount of time I have lost my grandparents, lost my friends from school, lost my two (apparently) closest friends and lost someone who was painfully close to me. This has all fed into my depression, low moods and anxieties. yet oddly enough reading this whilst away with people who had hurt me opened my eyes to the fact that these people have been a constant part of my story. They have still walked with me and I with them. These people, despite pushing me to life's edge, have actually been a part of the anatomy of my survival. God has a wicked sense of humour.
As I carried on through the book I learnt how similar (honestly I know, I struggle to believe it too) Una Kroll. She is a polymath who people look at and ask "how do you cope and function? How do you even think you can do all these different roles/jobs at the same time?" She has the same anxieties and worries as me. She managed to word some of my deepest fears and explain why they happen. On my journey home from Houseparty a song came on that just crystallised the whole thing. Karine Polwart has a wonderful little song called Daisy that is "a gentle word to the wise to one of life’s givers and truth-tellers who can’t quite comprehend that “there are people in this world who don’t think like you do”" http://www.karinepolwart.com/about/
This song perfectly plucked out my feelings and approaches to people and actually that there is nothing wrong with it. I am a naturally trusting person, who doesn't quite comprehend when people aren't like that or respect people who are like that. I am a person who only speaks things I believe to be true and can't screw people over. I do trust what people say and take what they say and trust in it. In all this people have and do take advantage of me and my nature, but that isn't a fault with me or my personality. It is with them. Whilst I was away with Fulwood one of my friends text me saying "I don't get why you put up with them and do their cooking!!". I do it because it is the right thing to do and otherwise it is the wrong things in life getting the better of my nature. In the words of Una Kroll "By the grace of God I have not developed a thick skin". Amen.
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