So far with this journey of reflection and self learning lots of surprises and emotions have risen to the surface but there is one thing that arose a couple of years ago that really shows the root and depths of my problems. About a year ago I went to a Diocesan Development Day where we had an opportunity to go to some workshops and engage with the topic put forward. One of the workshops was "sexuality". Straight away everyone from my group laughed and we all knew that was the one for me. I went into the workshop expecting to be spoken to about the wide ranges of opinions, theologies, bible verses and history of sexuality. Instead we were taken on a meditation about us and God.
The lady in charge got us all to sit down and we held onto little yellow stretchy men. We held them and used them as the centre of our meditation. We were encouraged to think about ourselves, all our attractions, hurts, dislikes and personality traits. We were then led into a space in our meditation where we took ourselves before God. God who knows us all, inside and out. Best parts and worst parts and loves us and cares for us. God our Father. In my mind I stood naked before God in a throne room. It was cold and barren but not uncomfortably so.
We were then guided into a place where we presented ourselves as who we are before God. Then we were invited to think 'if you could ask God any question what would it be?' I prepared myself to mull it over and consider the questions. Bracing to think "why does bad happen?" "when will I get ordained?" "where do you want me to go next?" "how does the church unite?" instead I burst into silent tears as one question, a hidden question that had been living in me for so many years, came charging forth:
The lady in charge got us all to sit down and we held onto little yellow stretchy men. We held them and used them as the centre of our meditation. We were encouraged to think about ourselves, all our attractions, hurts, dislikes and personality traits. We were then led into a space in our meditation where we took ourselves before God. God who knows us all, inside and out. Best parts and worst parts and loves us and cares for us. God our Father. In my mind I stood naked before God in a throne room. It was cold and barren but not uncomfortably so.
We were then guided into a place where we presented ourselves as who we are before God. Then we were invited to think 'if you could ask God any question what would it be?' I prepared myself to mull it over and consider the questions. Bracing to think "why does bad happen?" "when will I get ordained?" "where do you want me to go next?" "how does the church unite?" instead I burst into silent tears as one question, a hidden question that had been living in me for so many years, came charging forth:
"Why did you make me wrong?".........
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